The role of innovative disruption and change in an organization can be both challenging and rewarding. What seems to be the biggest challenge is when you are tasked with proposing meaningful change to others, which may require them to step outside of their comfort zone. Naturally, opinions will differ and some will find the need for change as irrelevant and impactful. With that doubt and resistance comes the need for self- differentiated leaders (Camp, 2010) to step up, using specific tools and strategies to motivate their teams. Crucial Conversations (Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler, 2012) isn’t just a checklist of do’s and don’ts, but a roadmap to healthy dialogue. With this roadmap, individuals are able to engage in conversation that calms the anxiety of those they are speaking with, while creating an atmosphere that is both inviting and apprehension free for the members of that team.
As my innovation plan takes shape, and becomes more of a reality, I become better aware of the necessity behind the ideals presented with Self-Differentiated Leadership and Crucial Conversations. Staying connected to your goal and team members, while not losing sight of yourself is the message around self-differentiated leadership. Leading can be a challenge, and leading team members with different work styles can be even more taxing, making focusing on my thoughts and how they contribute to the progression towards our organization's goals that much more important. This concept pairs well with the understanding of how to have those conversations that will connect and empower your team. Again, to understand and acknowledge different working styles, is to acknowledge the levels of anxiety that may be present within a team. By following the concise and clear steps laid out by Crucial Conversations, nearly anyone, especially those in leadership capacities, can feel comfortable with having critical conversations that are devoid of angst. Simply put, a leader must make sure their motives are pure before moving towards leading or influencing their team. This process is known as starting with the heart.
Image source: lessonsfrombooks.org
Start with Heart
Focus on what you really want and what is in your immediate control, Yourself. Ask yourself, what you want from yourself, the other person and the relationship before moving forward with the dialogue. Remember the following:
Create a safe place for dialogue
Listen before blowing up and continue to listen if someone else blows up
Remain focused on the right motives
Avoid thinking there is only your way or their way
Learn to Look
Pay attention to the signs! Look for cues that the conversation has turned from productive to destructive and acknowledge that you have entered into a crucial conversation. Remember the following:
Identify and be aware when a conversation becomes crucial
Be aware of signs of silence, and your own style under stress and when you have entered this stage
Pay attention to the content
Acknowledge and monitor both your actions and emotions, as well as those of the other person in the conversation.
Make it Safe
Oftentimes a sign that people feel unsafe or threatened within a conversation are showcased when tempers flare and dialogue comes to a halt. This is usually related to people feeling as if they are not in a safe space that allows for true healthy dialogue to continue. To get the conversation back on track remember the following:
Determine which condition of safety is at risk (mutual purpose or mutual respect)
Apologize when appropriate (for misunderstandings rather than feelings)
Resolve misunderstandings
Create a mutual purpose
Master my Stories
Stuck in a place of silence or violence? At this point it is time to retrace your steps and analyze your reactions. Not only is it imperative to take notice of your own behavior in the dialogue, but getting in touch with your own feelings and how those are being portrayed and projected onto others is of key importance at this point. As you begin to evaluate, remember the following:
Acknowledge your Behavior
Analyze your stories
Trace it back to the facts
Watch for clever stories and avoid making someone else out to be the villain
State my Path
Analyzing your own behavior is a must do prior to engaging back in dialogue, but before you begin remember to STATE your path.
Share facts & avoid opinions
Tell your story→ what conclusion is drawn from the facts you’ve shared.
Ask for the other person’s path or story
Talk tentatively→avoid demands
Encourage testing→ the goal is the reach a shared meaning based on the facts and agree on the next action steps
Explore Others’ Paths
Time to really tap into your active listening skills, by asking the other person to tell their story and really paying attention to what is being said. It isn’t about winning or losing here, but instead getting to the point where the conversation, while crucial, is productive and progresses based on the facts rather than just the separate opinions of individuals. As you listen remember the following:
Ask them to tell you their story
Mirror to confirm their feelings and emotions
Paraphrase what is being told to you so you are clear and avoid misunderstandings
When the conversation falls flat, prime the conversation to get the dialogue moving
Move to Action
You are now at the point where you need to decide what to do with the dialogue, and when determining what to do you will need to figure out how to come to an agreement. However, it is important to understand that while shared meaning may exist, a guarantee of success is not necessarily certain. To move forward remember the following:
There are 4 decision making processes (Command/Consult/Vote/Consensus)
To make the decision, ask yourself the following:
Who cares? → Involve only those who care
Who knows? → Involve those with relevant knowledge
Who must agree? → Involve those pertinent to the decision making process
How many people must be involved? →Involve as few as possible
When it comes to crucial conversations there are a lot of things to take into account and remember when it comes to being prepared in the heat of the moment. It requires training and a degree of being open-minded and receptive to more than just your own way of looking at a situation. While remembering all of the strategies and tools in the heat of the moment can be a challenge starting with “learning to look,” and “making it safe,” seem to be a good starting point when a conversation shifts to crucial. In my own organization, I find myself using these two principals as the foundation for progressing within a crucial conversation in a healthy and productive manner. Now, more than ever before, I feel confident and comfortable entering into conversations that have the potential to become crucial. As I continue to build my knowledge I find myself confident in my innovation plan, and ready to share and collaborate on its implementation. In the education field, speaking up and being comfortable with the uncomfortable is an inevitable part of most roles, yet makes it no less daunting, so tools, strategies and tips found across so many of the great resources I’ve acquired make tackling those tasks less of an unimaginable feat.
References
Camp, J (2010, November 10). Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple. [YouTubeVideo] Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew
Patterson, K., Granny,J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversation tools for talking when stakes are high. Columbus, OH: McGraw-Hill.
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